semester.

Haven’t posted in a long time, but there are reasons for that. One, I think I have a total viewership of like 2, maybe 3 people if I’m lucky, so therefore, I really don’t feel it’s necessary for me to update. Two, even if you do read this, why do you actually give a crap about whatever I feel like ranting about, so I’m still not feeling like it’s necessary to update. And three, I haven’t exactly been in the best state of mind to write something that would be posted on the internet, as insignificant as this blog may be. But anyhow, I’m a little bored now, and this is a platform I have, so rant I will.

My life, in many ways, is better than ever. I’ve consistently kept up with school work, I’ve been successfully fitting my campus job into my life as well, and I’ve just been all around pretty much constantly productive. However, that’s pretty much where the good ends. There are few people in this city that I hang out with outside of class and work. I pretty much have no social life, as I think I’ve previously stated, and it’s really starting to catch up with me. I find myself looking forward to going to work, which in itself is not a bad thing, but it’s for the human interaction, not because of the work itself (the work is good though). I need a break from this, and the semesters end can’t come soon enough. There are just so many moving pieces in my life right now that I’m finding it hard to see the end of it all. Even once the semester is over, I’ve got to deal with job searches, putting together my portfolio, catching up with and maintaining relationships from back home, etc. I’m just starting to get a little bit stressed. I’ve always had low blood pressure, but I’ve got a feeling that this semester has normalized it, if not pushed it into the higher than normal bracket.

So I guess to summarize, lots of good things in life, just too many. And throw in a few pretty crappy things, and presto! It turns out it is possible for me to be in constant state of anxiety. Life was so much easier when I was able to just switch that off and not give a crap. Oh the good ol’ days.

Anyhow, that’ll do for now.

done.

I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’ve found that I’ve gained nothing by it other than lost time and more frustration.

Operation “Death of the Girly Man” is a go.

serenity now.

So, if you’re familiar with the “serenity now” episode of seinfeld, you know that throughout the course of the episode several of the characters cry out “SERENITY NOW!” whenever they feel frustrated or just lack the ability to deal with something at that particualr moment. Ultimately the pressure builds up though, and a deluge of pent up emotions bursts through ending in broken computers and the like. This post, in relation to my life, has nothing to do with that episode.

Anyhow, for the first time in a while, I’m actually feeling okay. I’m feeling something akin to serenity. I’m not really all that worried about anything, I in general have a general sense of calmness, and it’s nice. Granted, I can’t say that things have exactly been going my way as of late either, but I’m in a place of acceptance right now that’s sort of nice. However, I am of the opinion that if I let myself stay in this mode for too long, I’ll become complacent, and that is not a path I wish to trod down. So while this is good for now, I realize that I’ll have to move on soon enough, which is a little bit disappointing, but, whatever, who cares right? I guess you need to have some unknown factors thrown into the mix every now and then to spice things up, so, I suppose I should be looking forward to that next adventure. But for now, I’m good.

none.

So I’ve realized that not having a job this summer, while being frustrating isn’t the worst thing in the world. Because while yes, I have no job and therefor no cash flow, I also have the added bonus of being able to wake up late and not have much by way of responsibility. Granted, all the extra downtime also allows me to carefully analyze every single aspect of my life which can at times be depressing and dangerous, but it also gives me the chance to see the areas where I have the ability to better myself.

I’m also thinking that I should probably start working on some projects for my portfolio this summer too, so that way I’ve at least some productivity going on. I guess we’ll see if I end up getting around to that.

insanity.

I’m insane. Why? Because I am.

It seems that no matter what path in life I choose, I will always have my uncertainties. Is that insane? No, but the fact that even though I’m aware of this phenomena and still expect everything to be hunky dory the first time around is. And it’s not like this is even limited to one facet of my ever so “interesting” life. Seriously, I’m a college student going for an art degree, not that complicated. But, I introduce complications into my own life and I tell myself that it’s just to spice things up. Cool? Good. 

For example, given that I have say, 3 weeks to complete a project for a class, and a lot of free time to work on it over that time, I will wait till midnight (sometimes an hour earlier if I’m feeling productive)the night before to do it. And I tell myself that it’s because I was using my time previously to hang out with friends or unwind, probably from the last time I had done this. And then because of this one decision, call it a poor one if you like, other complications arise from either not having enough energy to perform some other task I’ve put off or whatever, and then it just continues to snowball until God sees fit to let me out of the stupid vicious cycle that I’ve created for myself. Like I said, unnecessary complications.

But anyways, this sort of carelessness seems to also enter my thought processes as well, and so while life progresses forward, I see little inconsistencies or problems, and push them off to the side not making a big deal of them, but still indexing what they were, and then one fateful day I decide that all of those tiny little nuances and issues suddenly matter or mean something, either inducing a somewhat angry outbreak, or a bout of unfounded doubt. Cue the orchestra and repeat.

And when it happens it still surprises me every time. I am insane.

long time.

As soon as I wrote down the title for this post, I couldn’t help but think “me love you long time.” Terrible? Probably, I suppose my head is in the gutter somewhere, but whatever, I manage to entertain myself, and that’s all that’s important right? Anyhow, onto the acutal post.

I have not written on here in some time. That’s partially due to the fact that, I have another blog of sorts now, but also, just because I stopped caring about writing on here. But I’m bored now, so I’m gonna start again. But yeah, hmm, what’s new in my life? Well, the semester is over, I did pretty good, and as a result, on ocassion, I feel the urge to pat myself on the back.

*pat*

Urge alleviated.

Oh yeah, so I also have my portfolio site up and running at phillipgockel.com. Check it out if you feel so inclined, it’s not finished completely, there are still a few visual elements I’d like to tweak and some more files I still need to upload, but you’ll get the general idea from it. Alright, back to doing something else. Laters.

productive week.

I don’t know about you all, but these past couple of weeks for me have been rather productive. I’ve been staying on top of all of my work and even at times been excited to do so. Could this be a turning point in my slackness or just a temporary phase, I dunno, but I’m gonna try and keep it up for the rest of the school year at least.

 

Oh! And for a metals piece i’m working on, I get to use a rapid prototyping machine, also known as a 3D printer. It prints 3D objects in steel, how awesome is that. I’m pretty excited, you should be too. Until we meet again.

expectations.

So really, why is it that there are so many expectations in life that constantly need to be upheld? Whether it’s work, school, relationships, whatever, there is always somebody expecting something of you, and not even necessarily with anything in return. I guess it’s just difficult for me to grasp why the notion of rules ever even had to come into play. Yes yes, I know that without rules, all would be chaos and the like, but, I think at least just once for a brief time, I’d like to be able to live my life completely uninhibited. That’d be ideal. Anyways, it’s late, and I only got two hours of sleep yesterday.

spring break.

So, I’m officially on spring break now. I finished up my last classes yesterday, and now the next week is going to be nothing but sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. Minus the sex and drugs though, and the only rock ‘n roll is going to be coming from the radio. Yep, it turns out that I am quite possibly the most exciting person ever. Shocked? Me too. Anyhow, I’m pretty sure the majority of my plans revolve around the remodeling of my parents upstairs bathroom, a room that is in desperate need of attention as it has seen none since the vietnam war. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the whole “retro” theme, but in my opinion, the best way to achieve that is not to let it just sit for 40 years, it’s supposed to be actually recreated.

I dunno, maybe I’ll be able to pull off something spontaneous and fun at some point over the break, but we’ll have to wait and see if that happens, won’t we?

Also in related news, I’m fairly certain that there are maybe two people that acutally read this thing on occassion, so I’m thinking that would have to do with content. So, I’m thinking I might actually start posting some of my work rather than it just being a mechanism that I turn to whenever I’m bored or feel like writing something. Good? Good. I think we’re good. Right on. Word. Peace. Toodles. Whatever.

up late.

I find that staying up late has become routine in my life. It just seems so weird that I’m able to consistently stay up till 2 or later in the morning, and still get at least 8 hours of sleep. Last semester I also had the late nights, but none of the sleep, so I guess it’s a welcome change, you gotta love the 1:30 pm class start. Even still though, I can’t help but wonder what this sort of life/schedule is doing to my time here on this earth. I figure that due to college, I’m going to die at least 20 years earlier than I would have otherwise. Meh, not like I’m ever going to find out the answer to that one. I should probably head to sleep now, so have a good night everyone (all 2, maybe 3 of you that will read this at some point).

I’m out.