none.

So I’ve realized that not having a job this summer, while being frustrating isn’t the worst thing in the world. Because while yes, I have no job and therefor no cash flow, I also have the added bonus of being able to wake up late and not have much by way of responsibility. Granted, all the extra downtime also allows me to carefully analyze every single aspect of my life which can at times be depressing and dangerous, but it also gives me the chance to see the areas where I have the ability to better myself.

I’m also thinking that I should probably start working on some projects for my portfolio this summer too, so that way I’ve at least some productivity going on. I guess we’ll see if I end up getting around to that.

insanity.

I’m insane. Why? Because I am.

It seems that no matter what path in life I choose, I will always have my uncertainties. Is that insane? No, but the fact that even though I’m aware of this phenomena and still expect everything to be hunky dory the first time around is. And it’s not like this is even limited to one facet of my ever so “interesting” life. Seriously, I’m a college student going for an art degree, not that complicated. But, I introduce complications into my own life and I tell myself that it’s just to spice things up. Cool? Good. 

For example, given that I have say, 3 weeks to complete a project for a class, and a lot of free time to work on it over that time, I will wait till midnight (sometimes an hour earlier if I’m feeling productive)the night before to do it. And I tell myself that it’s because I was using my time previously to hang out with friends or unwind, probably from the last time I had done this. And then because of this one decision, call it a poor one if you like, other complications arise from either not having enough energy to perform some other task I’ve put off or whatever, and then it just continues to snowball until God sees fit to let me out of the stupid vicious cycle that I’ve created for myself. Like I said, unnecessary complications.

But anyways, this sort of carelessness seems to also enter my thought processes as well, and so while life progresses forward, I see little inconsistencies or problems, and push them off to the side not making a big deal of them, but still indexing what they were, and then one fateful day I decide that all of those tiny little nuances and issues suddenly matter or mean something, either inducing a somewhat angry outbreak, or a bout of unfounded doubt. Cue the orchestra and repeat.

And when it happens it still surprises me every time. I am insane.

expectations.

So really, why is it that there are so many expectations in life that constantly need to be upheld? Whether it’s work, school, relationships, whatever, there is always somebody expecting something of you, and not even necessarily with anything in return. I guess it’s just difficult for me to grasp why the notion of rules ever even had to come into play. Yes yes, I know that without rules, all would be chaos and the like, but, I think at least just once for a brief time, I’d like to be able to live my life completely uninhibited. That’d be ideal. Anyways, it’s late, and I only got two hours of sleep yesterday.

life.

Life is so versatile. One moment it can be exhilarating, the next stagnant. One day it’s happy, the next it’s sad. I find it fascinating that something so simple as merely existing automatically provides you with an interesting narrative. Granted, perhaps not one that anybody else wants to read, but interesting none the less. I guess it’s because of the low points in our lives that we have the ability to appreciate the highs, but it doesn’t make it sting any less. So I suppose that all there is left to do is grin and bear it, and then move on.

Wow, I suck at being existential.